Sin is insanity.
I am very blessed to have a lot of access to Christian material. A great church, great Christian friends, lectures on all kids of topics across the internet.
But I also have a problem. I am still under the oppression of Satan’s tyranny and my sin.
Get this, right. For about three hours today — three hours — I was hooked on pornography. Three hours. What! I did get 1&1/2 hours break in between. But after that session I backed to it again — back to being enslaved by sin. I willingly caused myself to walk in darkness.
Here’s the thing. Interspersed throughout this dark period — even in the darkness — I felt the Spirit’s whisper. And I had to crush His voice so I could continue in it. I willingly disobeyed the Holy Spirit.
Isn’t that insanity? Isn’t that the height of arrogance? Is that not beyond ludicrous?
But here’s the rub. Immediately following this darkness — when Satan and my own illicit desires into which I had freely given myself had brought me so low — a friend reached out to me in need.
In ministerial need.
I’m not writing this so you can feel sorry for me. I’m not writing it to justify myself. If you think that, that’s your problem.
I’m simply writing to say this: When God would have had me prepare for the ministry, Satan and my own devices had tempted me to stray and fall away from God.
I can’t imagine something more insidious. I cannot think of something more insane at the moment than what has just happened. In my own hypocrisy I had becomes disarmed and deluded into thinking that this was harmless fun.
Harmless fun? How far do our actions reach? How deeply-veined are the consequences of our choices?
So here I stand in shock and terror. Why do I write this? I cannot but say something. I just need all you readers to pray for me. Ask the Lord to restore me, and to give me that contrite heart I need, that I may resist the Devil, and he might flee from me. Pray for my sanctification. Pray for my cleansing. Pray for assurance. Pray for peace.
And pray for my friend whom I have failed.